Eiji in CRACK LAND!
by Tora Macaw
Summary: It's Prince of Tennis meets Miyuki-chan! Follow Eiji down the rabbit hole for yaoi madness and mayhem!


Hi everyone! This was written due to watching to much of a certain anime made by clamp and the consumption of waayyyyy to much sugar! Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis or Miyuki-chan in wonderland. I don't own Alice in wonderland either!

WARNING!

Take heed! This is a YAOI fan fic! so if ya don't like it, don't read it!

Flames belong only in a dragon's mouth. Those who attempt to mimic this ability will be ignored.

EIJI IN CRACK LAND!

story : Tora Macaw

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Eiji was late for tennis.

If it hadn't been for the fact he had promised to meet Oishi for some early training he would be on time, but he had overslept and was now running for the courts as if his life depended on it.

With his bulky school bag draped loosely over one shoulder and banging rather painfully against his tender young back with every jarring step, the fire-haired doubles star from Seigaku jogged rapidly down the street. All was normal for this early time of the morning.

He shot past Takashi's sushi shop with barely a glance to spare his team mate as the youth helped his father unload supplies, and when he came across Momo' and Kaido indulging in one of their many daily verbal slugging matches, he didn't even bother to look.

Inui ambushed him outside the bakers with an enthusiastic cry of " Try this Super-bounce-to-mars-and-back-in-one-easy-bound-juice of mine!" Luckily, Eiji was able to escape.

Pausing to catch his breath, he suddenly noticed something so truly _bazaar_ that it took his shell shocked brain several attempts to firmly tell him; No Eiji you aren't seeing things, that REALLY IS Tezuka on a _skate board_ !

OK, he told himself after painfully pinching himself to make certain he was properly awake, when he noticed something else about his captain that he found highly disturbing. Tezuka was wearing long white bunny ears, sporting a large fluffy tail on his well toned arse and muttering seriously; " I'm late."

Unable to contain his rampant curiosity a second longer, Eiji rushed up to Tezuka and fell in beside him at an easy jog.

" Oh captain! What are you doing nya? What's with...the ears?"

Tezuka's only answer was to completely ignore him and grumble flatly about being late. Sighing, Eiji kept pace with the skate board as it zipped along the side walk, narrowly avoiding running down kids, little old ladies and one very irate Ryoma out for an early run. (which in itself was also very weird!)

Speeding on his way, the Seigaku captain glanced down at his watch, said seriously; " I'm late" and suddenly vanished down a randomly appearing rabbit hole. Needless to say, Eiji was astounded when the black opening abruptly yawned beneath his feet.

Attempting to run off the patch of ebony, he managed to stop on its edge and balanced precariously; his arms wind milling wildly before loosing to gravity's playful pull and toppling head first into the darkness.

His voice floating up behind him in a loud, frantic scream, he fell rapidly but then came to an unexpected floating stop. Thumping down lightly on a hard stone floor, Eiji growled as he rubbed his bruised rear end, then stood up to get his bearings. Tezuka was nowhere to been seen, but what he _did_ see sent a jolt of shock lancing through his system. Standing with his back pressed tight against a closed door, was Oishi!

Twin orbs of dark blue blinked as his jaw hung open in mute befuddlement and finally finding his voice, Eiji pointed a trembling finger at his near naked doubles partner and he spoke in a high pitched nervous squeak; " Oishi! Oh Nya! where are we?" Opening his arms, Eiji happily advanced; only to balk as his brain caught up with his eyes and he realized that something wasn't quite right.

Cocking his head to one side, Oishi smiled warmly. " Here is...here. Do you wish to pass through this door?"

The flame-haired youth's face turned as red as his hair as his face morphed into a mask of puzzlement. Did his friend always speak in such a _seductive and sultry _tone? Scratching his head, Eiji tried hard to recall. Retreating half a step, he asked worriedly; "Ummm...Oishi...are you...errmm...alright? Why are you...(gulp) almost _naked_ ?" The last word left his lips in a high semi-quaver and sweat beaded all over his head.

" Why, I'm just doing my job. So come here and I'll let you in." The last four words were spoken in a very husky gasp, and Oishi's green eyes were simmering pools of liquid emerald heat.

Instantly feeling weak at the knees, Eiji's heart rate rose alarmingly. " Maa...Oishi...what are you saying nya?"

Leaning as far forward as his bind to the door would allow, Oishi gazed at his doubles partner with an expression of unmistakable lust. " Why I'm the doorknob darling and here..." he paused to thrust his pelvis forward. "...is the knob!"

" NYAAAAAA!" Eiji's hands flew upward defensively as he frantically backpedalled several steps. " Maaaa...tempting as your offer is, I think I'd better leave the way I got down here!"

Oishi lifted his right hand to giggle cutely behind it as Eiji craned his neck back and realized with horror there no longer was an opening above him! Solid stone ceiling met his wide eyes and seamless walls mocked his seeking hands as he cast about for an exit.

After watching the red head for a few minutes, Oishi held out his hands and purred softly; " I'm your only way out beautiful boy."

Abandoning his fruitless search, Eiji very slowly and reluctantly shuffled forward. " I want to go home Nya! I want the REAL Oishi, and play tennis with him!"

" The real Oishi?" the look-alike figure in the door sounded hurt. " Darling, I AM Oishi! Now stop being so gorgeously shy and come here!"

Before Eiji could dart away, Oishi reached out, seized both his hands, dragged him forward and _downwards_ ! Struggling and protesting at the top of his voice, Eiji tried to escape but the Oishi-door was far too strong. Feeling his right hand curve around something very hard in the reigns of Oishi's crotch, Eiji turned bright scarlet; his back snapping ramrod straight as waterfalls of sweat cascaded from his head and bright jets of blood shot at high velocity from both nostrils!

" MAAA...MAAA...NY-AAAA!" he screeched as Oishi pulled him tightly into his arms and removed the struggling youth's shirt with an erotic cry.

" Oh this is it nya! I'm gone!" He thought as he came into very _intimate_ contact with his best friend. But then, Eiji found himself passing clean through Oishi's body and lying unharmed (and still fully clothed) in a pretty, sunlit meadow.

Birds sang sweetly in the trees, butterflies skipped merrily on the light breeze, and two pairs of big eyes watched him with a savage, feral gleam. Menacingly lifting their fists, the clones strode firmly forward, then announced in loud, challenging tones; "I am Tanaka Youhei! I am Tanaka Kouhei! You must fight us...NOW!"

Eiji's astonished blinking lasted for all of five seconds, then he flapped a dismissive arm.

" Oh Please Nya! You know I can beat you two!"

As one, the twins spoke boldly. " Fight or die!"

From out of hammer space, Kouhei produced tennis rackets and balls, then sent a vicious serve straight at Eiji's unguarded head!

" NYA! What the..."

Nimbly cart wheeling out of harms way, Eiji sprang into defense and was quite surprised when his tennis racket materialized in his hand. " Maa!" he cried loudly while brandishing the weapon, then swung it to return Youhei's killer bullet serve.

Back and forth the ball flew with the power of a descending meteor, then without warning, the twins crossed their rackets and an energy beam lanced down to split the ground asunder.

" Lousy cheats..NYA!" yelled Eij as for the second time that day the ground cracked open beneath him.

Swiftly he fell through yet another unpleasant dark void, then abruptly found himself hanging by his trousers from the topmost branches of a tall pine tree.

" Great" he thought as he dangled uncomfortably. " How do I get down nya?"

A rather alarming ripping sound cut through his musings and his body introduced itself to the ground very quickly. After groaning into the soft grass for several minutes Eiji carefully tested his limbs, found to his vast relief nothing was broken, then stood up, looked around and felt his eyes pop and his jaw unhinge. Standing casually next to a table only a few feet away, was INUI!

Running up to the Seigaku juice fiend, Eiji cried out; " It's you! It's really you! Inui, where are we nya?"

Moving his squared off glasses about his face, the spiky-haired youth held up a hand holding a cup brimming with glowing yellow liquid and said firmly; " Drink."

Skidding to ungainly halt, Eiji glared at the offering then folded his arms as he firmly refused. Shrugging, Inui murmured; " Suit yourself, but if you want to get out of here, you need to drink me."

Eiji's jaw collided with his toes as he stared unbelievingly at his team mate. Lifting both hands, he backed up while frantically shaking his head. " Oh NO! No,no, no, nya! I'm not into that kinky yaoi stuff with YOU!"

Inui leaned his head thoughtfully to one side. " Funny, I thought we all were into yaoiness, but never mind. Kaido would never forgive me if you DID 'drink me'. No, I mean this juice. You must drink if you wish to get home."

Sighing, Eiji collected himself with an effort, then grinned nervously. " It will take me home nya?"

Accepting Inui's solemn nod, Eiji took the cup, closed his eyes and drank. At once, two amazing things occurred. First, Eiji didn't keel over and die horribly. Second: Eiji shrank to the size of a mouse.

Writing in his data file, Inui ignored Eiji's shrilling verbal abuse and strode away, leaving a pint-sized tennis player fuming in grass that had now become a forest. Seeing his so-called " friend" wasn't coming back any time soon, Eiji despondently pushed through the grass, and stopped dead at the sight of a serpent coiled on a mushroom and smoking an Arabian pipe! Not that a smoking snake no longer seemed out-of-place in this insane universe Eiji found himself trapped in, but that fact it looked remarkably like Kaido was enough set his already frayed nerves jangling. Finding his courage, Eiji approached the 'mamushi' and squeaked; " Excuse me nya, but do you know a way I can return to my normal size? I mean, being only three inches tall is so horrible..."

Instantly, the little grass snake reared up and hissed angrily. " Fissssss! and what is WRONG with being three inches? You want to fight? Hisssssssssssssssssss!"

" Ah no, ah no! nya!" shouted a red-faced Eiji apologetically. " Three inches is a good, errm, length! It's just that I'm not _normally_ this tall!"

Huffing, the serpent sucked on his pipe, then grumbled sourly; " Try the mushroom. One side will shrink you, the other will make you grow hisssss."

Braking off a piece each side, Eiji timidly asked; " Which side?"

The " Kaido" snake shot him an angry glare and bared his sharp little fangs. " As if I would tell YOU! Fissssssssss!"

Shaking his head sorrowfully, Eiji turned away, walked a short distance, then hesitantly nibbled at the mushroom.

" ARRGHH...NYA! It's worse than Inui juice! But Nya! I'm growing! YAY!"

Finding himself more or less back to normal, Eiji gazed about, spied a path winding through the nearby woodlands and decided to follow it.

It was pleasant enough under the shady trees, and for the first time since finding himself in this madness he began to relax. All of five minutes later, his peace was rudely shattered by a very familiar voice.

" GREATO! BURNING!"

There, seated at a long table beside a little stream was a guy in a very big green hat, a screaming, teacup waving hare and a mouse with reddish-gold hair snoring loudly. Eiji decided it would be safest to sneak away silently, but a cry of " GREATO! JOIN US RED HAIR!" rang up and Eiji knew he had been spotted. Resigning himself to his fate, Eiji slid into an empty seat and stared at a tea cup brimming with steaming brown liquid.

" Drink up friend!" chuckled the hat guy sinisterly while licking his lips as his eyes turned red. Beside him, the snoring mouse woke up, briefly fixed a blearily mocca-colored eye on his guest, then went right back to sleep. Sighing, Eiji lifted the cup to his nose and was surprised by its tasty aroma.

" It smells good!" taking a small sip, he smiled broadly. " And it tastes good NYA!"

Leaning back in his chair, Eiji laughed as warm tendrils of fire spread out through his limbs and time slowed down as the little group drank tea, grew jovial and generally had a good time. That was until the mad hat guy with the demonic giggle and the fiery eyes tried draping himself across Eiji's lap and started playing with the waist band of his track pants! Leaping up and throwing his arms out, Eiji screeched that it was getting late, but he had enjoyed the tea and would see them at tennis, then bolted for his life.

It was only after he had put a good distance between himself and the tea party, that he realized it was getting dark and his surroundings were becoming scary. A cold wind whistled through the trees making him shiver and groan miserably.

" What's wrong, beautiful boy?"

Snapping his head around at the sound of voice he knew all too well, Eiji eyed the large cat lounging on a nearby tree branch as it watched him with glittering cerulean orbs.

" Nya! I'm cold, I'm alone and I just want to go home!"

The smiling cat closed its eyes and tilted its head to one side. " Saaa...but we are home. Come here and I'll warm you up."

Sidling away, Eiji felt a thrill of fear charge through his belly and set up an uncomfortable feeling lower down. " Maaa..Fuji, I don't think..."

" Hmmm..? But I think you do!" purred the feline in a very seductive tone as he carefully wrapped his arms around the red heads lanky body. Purring and rubbing his head under a quaking Eiji's chin, the sultry tensai attempted to slid it's fingers beneath Eiji's shirt. " You want me pretty red head! Why do you resist me?"

Doing his utmost best to ignore the way Fuji was running his tongue up and down the smooth column of his neck (not to mention what his roving hands were up to) Eiji shook like a leaf and his voice matched his bodies vibrations as he struggled feebly to escape.

" Maa..nya..please! Let..( gasp) go of me! I lov...like..( moan) Oishi! and you...( oh hell) love Tezuka!"

" Tezuka?" Fuji chuckled a light, slivery laugh. " But he's not here is he? And If your lovers a long way away, then love the one your with!"

Eiji uttered a small scream and wrenched Fuji's hands off him with a supreme effort. " NYA! No damn it! Its wrong! I don't want you, I want Oishi!"

Fuji sat back and pouted. " Saa...you'er no fun at all." Replacing his sulky look with a lustful leer, the large cat reached for Eiji again.

" Don't fight me darling." Sliding his arms around the fire-haired youth's torso, Fuji's hands slid low as he moved in for the " kill".

" FUJI! TWO HUNDRED LAPS! RIGHT NOW!"

Jumping a little, the feline meowed loudly, then bounded up to a fuming, bunny-eared Tezuka and fawned over him shamelessly.

" Now darling if I run that much I wont be able to pleasure you at all. Is that what you want saaa..?"

For an answer, Tezuka lowered Fuij to the ground, removed his own clothing and got down to doing what male rabbits do best.

Gritting his teeth against a nature display of the likes he never wanted to see again, Eiji took full advantage of the couples distraction to make a surreptitious departure. Wandering despondently, Eiji suddenly got a new surprise when a wide trunked tree just randomly opened up before him and bright warm sunshine flooded in! Brightening, the young man hastened into the portal, and found himself standing in the extensive gardens of a huge white castle!

Many colourful flowers winked and waved their leaves at the surprised youth while strange insects with bread for wings fluttered lightly among them. Hearing the sound of voices drifting from beyond a nearby hedge, Eiji hastened around it and stopped dead at the sight before his eyes. A long line of Hyotei and Yamabuki players dressed as beautiful white roses moved slowly past Fudomine and Rikki as they painted them red at a frantic pace!

Walking up to the nearest painter, Eiji nervously cleared his throat and asked; " Why are you painting the...roses red?"

Tossing a quick look the red head's way, the youth dressed as a card shook his blue-black hair, dipped his brush into his paint pot and got to work on Sengoku's flower covered butt. " We made a mistake, or I should say Rikki made the mistake. Look at the sad result. White roses when our queen likes only red ones. Of course, the king doesn't care either way, but if the queen sees these red roses, then she will crush us. So we must now paint them all the right colour or we wont get any strawberries and that would be bad."

Sending a finished Sengoku on his way with a hard swot to the backside ( that resulted in him grinning from ear to ear and yelling ' LUCKY!' ), Shinji started on a leering Yuushi. But the blue-haired rose refused to stand still and instead started trying to grope Shinji card's lower front reigns! Grumbling and muttering, Shinji danced around him in a circle; only to have Yuushi follow his moves then try trip him up. Almost falling, Shinji muttered all the more until an angry Akira card stalked over and sent a sullen Yuushi rose on his way.

Eiji was staring wide-eyed at a well painted and scowling Akutsu, when a great fanfare of trumpets rang out and both cards and roses alike dropped to their knees with cries of; " It's the Queen!"

Hardly daring to look, Eiji closed his eyes, mustered his flagging courage, counted to three, then turned around to open his eyes and look. Grandly surveying his subjects from the lofty height of a well raised ornate sedan chair and wearing royal robes of red and white with thick fur trim and covered in red hearts, Atone held up a ring encrusted hand then purred authoritatively: " All bow down and be awed and dazzled by Ore-Sama's divine presence's or face the cry of ' Off with their heads!' "

Completely surrounded by grovelling cards and flowers, a still standing Eiji stood out like a well bandaged thumb, and Atobe's head shot up as he eyed the youth as a greyhound eyes a rabbit.

" Stop!" Instantly, the members of Rokkau carrying him ceased walking and carefully lowered the chair to the ground. Standing, Atobe swept his flowing robes back, then stepped down with regal aplomb to glare at the Seigaku youth with glittering eyes.

" And who are you who dares not to grovel before the mighty Ore-Sama?"

Fighting down the urge not to break into laughter at the sight of the Hyotei captain's very feminine looking robes and pompous manner, Eiji mastered his outburst by bowing low, then saying; " I'm Eiji nya!"

A huge dark skinned youth strode forward to stand beside Atobe as he drew himself to reply. " You will address Ore-Sama as ' Your Majesty'...na Kabaji?"

" USU!"

" Mada mada da ne...can't you give this your majesty stuff a rest for once?"

Dodging around Atobe, Eiji was delighted to see his fellow team mate and threw his arms around the shorter, golden eyed youth with a happy cry. " O Chibi chan! Nya! I'm soooo happy to see you!"

Next thing Eiji knew, he was being roughly grabbed by the back of his shirt and being harshly hauled before a very irate Atobe.

" You dare to lay your hands on Ore-Sama's property? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

" Nya! Now wait a moment!" Screeched Eiji as he leapt back and noticed for the first time the kingly robes his little friend wore, and the royal crown resting on a scarlet pillow that was being held by an amused looking Momo' at his side. " I'm sorry nya! I didn't mean anything!"

" OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" demanded Atobe regally as he turned back to his chair.

" Whatever" said Ryoma as he tugged at his cap.

" USU!" stated Kabaji as he advanced with a huge axe in his hands.

" Seems such a waste...he is so pretty." Purred Fuji somewhere close by.

Gazing frantically about as a horde of cards, flowers and assorted other creatures began to close about him, Eiji spied Tezuka watching him intently. Rushing toward him, the flame-haired doubles player screamed for his captain to come and save him.

" EIJI! You have defied our Queen! Run two thousand laps! Run laps Eiji! Eiji! ...Eiji. Kikumaru..are you alright?"

" Wha..? Tezuka! oww...my head! what happened to me nya?"

Oishi's voice broke in. " Oh thank heavens you're OK!" Throwing him arms around his best friend, the dark-haired other member of the Golden Pair nuzzled Eiji's neck and held him close. " A kid on a skate board knocked you down and you hit your head! You have been unconscious for half an hour! Oh Eiji! I was so worried!"

Smiling at his beloved partner behaving normally, Eiji carefully sat up fully, then gazed up into Tezuka's serious Hazel-gold eyes.

" I saw you get knocked down." he remarked while pushing at his glasses with his middle finger. " Are you sure you feel alright now?"

Staring at his rabbit-ear less head, Eiji assured him he was fine.

' _A dream.'_ he thought with infinite relief. ' _a stupid, foolish dream. Seemed so real though.'_

Nodding with satisfaction as Eiji stood shakily on his feet, Tezuka turned and strode away. Watching him go, Eiji's eyes travelled down to fix on his captain's rear. The last thing he saw before squealing in fear and passing out once more...was a big, white fluffy rabbits tail on Tezuka's well toned arse.

Endless...


End file.
